LOOKING AT ONESELF THROUGH DESPAIR'S MIRROR

It’s been a while since I sat to write down my thoughts to share publicly.

But here goes me trying to write my thoughts out again and maybe try to stay consistent with it honestly. I mean, I do write transmissions of my thoughts as I like to call them in my personal discord server. But I don’t think it counts.

Not a lot of people and friends know this about me, but I do have depression.

I know, I know. I give an awfully cherry vibe. I don’t seem like someone who would think about not wanting to be alive and stuff. But yeah, I do get those days when I’m wallowing in self pity and consumed with so much suffocating sadness.

But, I do in fact joke a lot about it too. So much so, I’m now banned from making jokes about it whenever I’m around my best friend.

The thing is, I’m someone who isolates herself a lot. I think if not for going to boarding for secondary school and University, I’d probably find it awkward to be around other people. I mean, truthfully I still do.

Asides my social anxiety, I’m also a curious person. Because of this trait of mine, I often find myself asking questions normal or regular people wouldn't.

Questions like if there was no universe what would happen then? What would exist in its place? What’s the need for existence. Honestly, my mind turns to jelly whenever I attempt to ask my subconsciousness these questions.

And on some other days, I slip into my nihilistic state of mind which often means treading the lanes of passive suicidal ideation.

Not everyone talks about the bad, sad days but they do exist and I do have them. I’m sure you probably do too. Ahh, I guess it’s a part of life? Isn't it?

But yeah, the last depressive episode I had went on for almost 2 weeks.

Get this, the thing is, I always make assumptions of what a person’s perception or opinions about me is. When you struggle mentally a lot like I do, you sometimes start to believe that it is alright to be alone.

No one really really sees you and even if they did, everyone’s dealing with their own shit and life. I mean, someone I know could very much be going through the exact same thing.

Also for the record, I’m fine. Yes, I don't particularly enjoy the human experience and its constant struggle for wanting to see the good and having hope. But I’m still here, trying to be intentional about the meaning I give to my life.

I mean we are born, forced to endure this existence and live through made up societal laws and customs. Then hopefully figure out whatever meaning we want to associate with our lives and die at the end of it. Yeah, it sucks when you think about it.

But, but, but, I’m learning bit by bit that despair is something we all feel. And although people might not think it’s normal to be in a state of sadness and whatnot. I will have days where I can’t get up from my bed and I’d sleep for 20 hours and struggle to eat, or have my bath. And simultaneously still spend hours scrolling across social media or binge read a 30 chapter comics in one night or go to bed everyday at 5am because I can’t find the hope to want to participate in the human experience.

Yes, I will have those days. But what I’ve recently learnt again is about how I see myself.

I didn't have the best childhood. Honestly, I can’t remember much of it. I just have pictures to look at. In some way, because I always make my mind up on how I think people see me.

A quick interlude if you will, but when your father abandons you at 9 years old, it really does come back to affect you at 24. Lmaoo, daddy issues are real. Oh my gawd. Don’t abandon your kids. It fucks with them mentally when they become adults.

But thinking about it now, I make people’s opinions about me on my own without actually giving them the chance to. So I’m never really close with my friends. I make up scenarios and I decide, you know it’s best to stay alone. Hence the self isolation. Yeah, I know.

I'm realising that I don't need to do that. I should let people show me the version of me they like.

Some days the depression gets really hard and I hate myself so much. And I’ll cry myself to sleep but still smile and upload a cute IG story because I don't think I ever really want people to see me falling apart.

I don’t ever want people, friends and strangers alike to see my despair. To see that at the end of the day, every interaction I have leaves me nervous. Like, I think so much about a reply to send back to a friend’s message. I panic when I don't talk to my close friends for a few days. And automatically believe they probably secretly hate me.

I don't know but being mentally unstable sometimes feels like a battered down ragdoll you never want to show your new friends who have barbie and ken dolls.

I finished watching Netflix’s The Sandman and the personification for Despair said that “…people need a place where they can be miserable and grieve, be sad, before they can come up for air.”

I think this article might be my despair’s mirror in some way. I shield so much of myself that I lose the good parts people around me fell in love with in the first place.

What I'm trying to say is, some days, you’ll find yourself at the lowest moments and wander the halls of despair and depression and maybe believe it’ll be easier if you didn't exist or if you slept and didn't have to wake up.

I know it’s hard, literally I know. But the part where you see yourself through the looking glass your family and friends see you with. I think it breaks the mental image of you, that being sad creates.

And yeah, I’m smiling today. I did a mini concert, singing and dancing my heart out for my cat, Moon while doing my laundry. I cleaned my house. I tried making content. Heck I even followed my daily planner.

You know, right now, I think I like this version looking back at me through the mirror. I want to try new things and make new core memories.

Will I slip back into despair in another 2 weeks time? maybe, maybe not. But if I do, I promise, you that I will take a look at how you see me and see myself through your lens. And I hope the same trick works for you when you’re consumed with despair and sadness.